Worrying cannot change the past, but it can ruin the future

I am a worriwort. I have been for at least 20 years now. Even in videos of me as a toddler, I frequently looked concerned and seemed to always be analyzing the world around me. In second grade I developed this random worrisome thought about bathrooms, particularly not being able to get to one in time. My anxiety about the issue eventually escalated to the point where I had an ultrasound on my bladder and kidneys to determine if there really was a physical reason as to why I needed to go pee every 15 minutes or if I it was my anxiety causing it. It was the anxiety. I was seven years old and had anxiety. Where does that even come from in a seven year old?!

And knowing that it was the anxiety didn't alleviate the problem, it just identified it. At school I was given a special bathroom pass to take whenever I needed by signing my name on the board to let the teacher know I had gone out. I was fine at home, because I knew there was always a bathroom close, but in class I would leave upwards of 5 times a day to go to the bathroom (mind you, I always made sure to go before school, at recess, and lunch too). It's definitely a good thing that I was an excellent student growing up (until like, 10th grade when I failed geometry but I blame that on a combination of a terrible teacher and my bull-headedness, not because I was dumb), otherwise I feel like I would have failed second grade due to the amount of time I was in the bathroom and not in class. 

My anxiety about needing to pee all the time slowly dwindled over the school year, and by third grade I ended up with the most wonderful teacher who created such a welcome, safe, happy learning environment that I never wanted to miss class. My anxiety was alleviated and I thrived in school that year. Some of my happiest elementary school moments are from Mrs. Denney's class :)

Just as the anxiety over going pee all the time appeared out of no where, I was blindsided by another bathroom related anxiety in high school. All of a sudden I became desperately fearful of throwing up in class. I had never before thrown up in class, or even at school, but with the onset of 10th grade came the intense fear of throwing up. It affected so many of the choices I made on a daily basis: I would walk to classes with routes that passed bathrooms, if I was allowed to choose my seat in class it was always in the row closest to the door to serve as a fast and non-disruptive emergency exit location, I would ask to go to the bathroom as frequently as possible without getting in trouble for excessive bathroom usage.

My thoughts in class became consumed with the paralyzing fear of throwing up in front of everyone. I would sit at my desk, bouncing my legs up and down on the balls of my feet to try to alleviate some of the anxiety while I tried to analyze any and all feelings (real or imagined) I was feeling in my digestive system. I hardly paid attention to anything that my teachers said and usually relied on reading the board to know what was going on in class since my teachers' voices were always drowned out by my internal voice telling me that throw up was most likely imminent. 

There is something about pep rallies that, unbeknownst (<---- my computer is telling me this isn't a word, but I like it so therefore, I declare it is a word and it will be so) to me at the time, would become a major source of stress for me in my little world where I tried to stay throw up free. There was something about sitting there in that large gym, with not only the people from my class, or my grade, but the ENTIRE school that could potentially see me throw up that sent my body into fight or flight mode. 

I chose flight by convincing one of my favorite teachers to let me stay in his classroom during pep rallies. As everyone else was walking toward the gym, I slyly wandered the opposite direction to his classroom, which wasn't always easy because all the campus security guards and teachers were herding us toward the gym like cattle. I thanked him for his empty classroom hospitality by correcting papers whilst I sat in there alone (this is probably the time when I decided I'd like to have a classroom of my own some day because correcting papers makes me unbelievably happy, as do classrooms in general :P). Thankfully by my senior year they made pep rallies optional, so I no longer had to go hide out in his room (we both could have gotten in some serious trouble even though we were never in there together, but it definitely wasn't school protocol). 

So the fear of throwing up at pep rallies dissipated, but the anxiety over throwing up in class remained with me throughout my high school years. And just for good measure, on graduation day, during the ceremony, I was absolutely convinced that I was going to pee my pants. And I couldn't just walk off the field where we were all sitting to go to the bathroom. I sat there, near tears the whole time as my then boyfriend, in a very annoyed and angry tone repeatedly told me, "If you need to go so bad, just leave. Just go." It was a very sad day and it was all because I was fearful of peeing my pants. 

Thankfully I can say that now, 8 years after my public school education ended, I am mostly rid of my fear of not making it to the bathroom. However, my anxiety when I am put into situations that are out of my control still remains. But I am making a conscious effort to stop. I saw a quote on a billboard at a dry cleaners near my work that said, "Worrying cannot change the past, but it can ruin the future." I'm trying really hard to remind myself of that now when I find myself stressing to the point of almost certain insanity. Boyfriend has learned that if I'm quiet, as in was consistently talking and have abruptly stopped, that it means one of two things: I have to go to the bathroom, or I'm worried. The worry he can help talk me out of. And the pee, well, with that I am definitely on my own :P